... 10869 km away from home

a real holiday

2005-08-03T08:21:00.000Z

Wow... it HAS been yet another long break from blogging. since June 14 (the day of my last examination), i have been doing one thing after another. so much has happened since then and because i didn't have a convenient (and free, and private) access to the internet, it was difficult to really blog.

but here i am, behind a free internet terminal, in Hong Kong's Central Library. not exactly private, but i'd take my chances that i don't know anyone in this building :) so much to write about, but not knowing where to start. i've been mostly flitting across different continents, seeing much of the big cities (and their shopping complexes). the first leg had me going off to Portugal for an amazing 10 days, with friends whom i've spent my last 3 years with and with whom i'd gladly have a million more holidays with. leg 2/3 had me going off to the USA for nearly 2 weeks, with C and Y. and the finale has me touring the Far East for almost 3.5 weeks.

most days have been filled with memorable and unending fun, some days (you can't be having fun everyday!) were laid back and easy going. a good mix of travelling companions, large groups, small groups and just myself. i must find the time to fill in the gaps of the last 3 months. in the meantime, a little summary to whet your appetite.

1. Portgual : lathered in batter and then flash fried on the Algarve coast
2. USA : skin cancer never entered our minds...
3. Shanghai & Hong Kong : many reasons why you should fear China Inc.

plus 1 graduation ceremony, 2 bomb blasts and 3 good books.

a long hiatus but we're almost there

2005-06-11T13:57:00.000Z

a watched kettle never boils.

the last 3 months did crawl by a tad bit quicker than it took for Frodo to trawl through Mordor, and not having to blog about the same drivel day after day did seem to give it wings.

my last weekend in the library, ever. the one-legged staircase, the embalming air, the naughty moments (there weren't that many). And how can I forget? sitting by the computers on the first floor staircase landing letting my eyes feast on the greatest gourmet to be had in Central London.

i'll miss it all... in a really hurtful kind of way. i'm gutted, not being able to enjoy the sloth lifestyle anymore. coffee breaks whenever you want them, where ever you want them. Wetherspoons for lunch, only because you're sick of Pret and Pasta Amo makes you fat. the life of a student in the UK is really all about maximising your returns on equity. drinks always before dinner. one cursory glance behind into my memories of 3 years ago and i can't recognise the person standing in it. (this is worth a separate post -- perhaps when i'm feeling even more nostalgic, which may never happen. we men are creatures with a concrete heart) its even more mortifying that i have signed myself up for one of the toughest careers black hair dye can't redeem. as i've oft heard, "if you're going to sell your soul, do it for a good price!"

i'm standing on a thin line; can't step back because special relativity and Hawking's chronological protection conjecture stand guard. don't want to move forward and lose my youthful (or should i say youthlike) innocence. but i am just griping, being wussy and trying to find solace to nurse a pair of tired legs. they've carried me this far, and i would like to stay put for awhile.

and spend some time with you.

a watched kettle never boils.

your fair share of things

2005-05-18T07:38:00.000Z

why do people insist on being lazy asses and not be able to do things themselves? we're talking about someone who is 22 years old, has a car, and enough spare time to visit the casino nearly every night. don't get me wrong, is perfectly fine to visit the casino in the weeks before the exam, but if you can afford such priority, why can't you do the fucking groceries, or contribute to take the trash out!?

still hanging on

2005-05-15T22:19:00.000Z

"I have no regrets in my life. I think that everything happens to you for a reason. The hard times that you go through build character, making you a much stronger person."

some time has passed since i last blogged, i thought i'd give blogging rest for the time being. i didn't have much to write about either; days and nights pass and i've lost count of how many weekends i've spent buried with schoolwork. well, there is less than a month to go now and i can barely contain the excitement!

i had a refreshingly different weekend this week. it was T's birthday celebration, happy birthday dude! =) after a mini exploration having walked out of the wrong side of Notting Hill station, we got to the place at about 8pm. these days, i am becoming poorer at handling stress and pressure. or maybe the huge stress is taking a toll on me, like it should. usually, i am quite happy to meet new people and strike quick friendships. but yesterday was different. i felt simply exhausted. like the whole social thing just didn't make any sense. whenever something doesn't make sense to me, i don't ascribe to it. i reject it. i dump it.

but things did get better when we left for drinks. please god, make the exams go away sooner!

omfg.. E airport queue is absolutely ridiculous!

2005-05-04T23:10:00.000Z

"We all carry around so much pain in our hearts. Love and pain and beauty. They all seem to go together like one little tidy confusing package. It's a messy business, life. It's hard to figure--full of surprises. Some good. Some bad."

it has been awhile since someone has managed to surprise me, and it delivered a much needed dose of excitement into an otherwise tiring and energy sapping day! i was almost ready to give up, call it a day after spending the requisite 10 hours in the library.

it was great to see you again after a month!

too many broken hearts in the world

2005-04-30T21:37:00.000Z

"Depend not on another, but lean instead on thyself...True happiness is born of self-reliance."

a close friend endured a break up today. i have always found it difficult to console someone in such times of distress, perhaps because of my cynicism towards lasting relationships. most of the difficulty stems from not having the right words to say, and the fear of saying something that could aggravate the situation.

whilst consoling her, i couldn't help but reminisce the anguish and anger i had to deal with one year ago. suddenly, i could see from her perspective what my ex would have felt and in a twisted way, and why she reacted the way she did. it helped me bury the difficult times even deeper. i have come a long way searching for the answers that would explain what went wrong and why it did. but this quest cannot be completed 100%, some questions will always remain unanswered.

i am hoping that she will pull herself together as quickly as possible. forget the guy, more important things are at hand.

but typing this takes all of 5 seconds, putting one year behind doesn't.

be strong HW!

deception point

2005-04-30T00:29:00.000Z

"Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation."

-- George Washington

the days are definitely rushing by. its just days to May, which means it will be last 6 weeks of my life as a student. what are my feelings? that of trepidation? of exuberance? two extremes, with many in-betweens. sometimes, the prospective finish makes me feel empowered. yes, the thought of starting work, of earning my own keep, of even geater independence, waxes satisfaction in me. it is like a culmination of years and years of work, it is now time to turn make that investment earn a positive return. but there is also a feeling of bwilderment. what am i getting myself into? most of my peers are going back, to a much more determined future, in the proximity of people, friends, family and culture to which we are all deeply connected with. here i am, 10869 km away, starting a new life, one i had never imagined.

such is the dizzying array of feelings i have accompanying me as the weeks whittle away. and just 2 days ago, i added another to the list -- desperately seeking fresh air.

sometimes when you think you are ready to place your trust in your friends, when they turn around and pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat. the people you thought were your closest friends no longer seem to deserve that label. in hindsight, the issue wasn't pretty big, but having been kept in the dark and lied to for 6 weeks grossly inflated the hurt factor. adding salt to the wound was that we were the only friends who didn't know, despite having maintained daily contact.

i no longer twitch my nose to startling revelations of character. i have come to accept that i don't excel at reading people, and i shouldn't even be trying. i don't fit people in a box as i don't want them to fit me into a box. the new things you find out about your friends aren't always pleasant but a friendship requires you to accept the entire package. i will have to decide if i still want to hold on to the package, and how tightly i want to hold on to it.

betting on casinos

2005-04-27T11:34:00.000Z

about a week and a half ago, the Singapore governement approved the construction of 2 casinos with a combined pricetag of some US$3 billion. considering that Steve Wynn's new Las Vegas casino cost a shade less at US$2.7 billion, it would seem that serious firepower is going into the new gambling industy guns ablazing.

it may have taken some 10 years since we last toyed around with the idea, but i am glad that in part deux, we have gone forward with the plan. i am not a gambler, in fact, i loathe going to the casino because i cannot stomach losses. add to that, i am a stubborn kid who thinks the odds can always be beaten. together with sheer inexperience (i've not attended poker 101 or read blackjack for idiots), i could come out really, really broke. in fact, its unlikely that i will be a familiar face at its plush green tables when the casinos get built by 2009.

what i am terribly excited and most happy about, is what the construction of the casinos will mean for us and bring to the economy. that we received 20+ bids from the likes of MGM, means that many industry leaders believe that any resort here would be extremely viable. that they're willing to invest so much into an industry that has no roots in the country, and relatively little in the region, shows that good faith has been placed in the country's leadership and in the groth prospects of the region.

it is a much needed uplift for the region's prospects, that our country is so dependent on. we've been battered by a crisis the spanned all the economies of the region. then there was the cyclic downturns of the Western economies. natural disasters, one after another in a short span, have wrought destruction requiring billions of dollars of aid and reconstruction. the competition from China and India has directed away much needed FDI from the region. despite all of this, people are still willing to invest in an industry with little track record. no doubt the billions that will pour into our economy won't be directly shared with the other economies, but the investment itself is a signal of confidence and barring aside any more unfortunate events, it could be a harbinger of greater things to come.

more excitingly however, is the percieved loosening of the grip the government has on the affairs of our countrymen. we have gone a long way towards relinquishing the image of a fathered society, one that was so carefully nurtured from a barren fishing village barely two hundered years ago. subtly, this "controlled development" has had an insidious effect on some of our lives. we have always had things easy; little political uncertainty, someone up there to decide on what's best for us, predictable economic outlooks. you could argue that fostering a gambling industry might imbibe a certain degree of risk-taking, but that's like saying you could build a golf course to develop a golf champion. you'd need to already have an appetite for risk if you're even going to put one toe through the casino doors.

building a casino however, does mean that the government is becoming more tolerant towards certain questionable taboos. we have taken a relatively neutral stance on the issue of cloning and have allowed research that would otherwise be banned elsewhere to take place, under some regulation of course. ditto on the issues of homosexuality and political criticism. there are still guidelines to follow, benchmarks to observe. but gradually, the government is taking a more passive approach to micromanging the affairs of its people, and giving more focus to issues of the macro environment.

actions are only partially revealing

2005-04-24T10:09:00.000Z

You can't manufacture a miracle
The silence was pitiful-that day
And love is getting too cynical
Passion's just physical-these days
You analyse everyone you meet
But get no sign the-loving kind
Every night you admit defeat
And cry yourself blind

-- Something Beautiful, Robbie Williams

sometimes, when you have spent so much time with a person, you think you "know the person well enough" to predict what he is going to do next. or what he is thinking. or why he behaves the way he does. but more often that not, you will find yourself guessing wrongly (perhaps even diametrically opposingly wrong) and what's worse is that you've conditioned your expectation to your prior beliefs.

so the end result could be doubly suprising, or doubly hurting. unfortunately, we will always remember the stings in life with stunning alacrity while the times spent in the fields of gold will eventually be forgotton, or overshadowed.

i once had a friend who claimed to be able to read me like a book. to her, i was so predictable because my behaviour was always based on rationale driven by efficiency and careful thought. parts of that i believe to be true. i am not someone you could call impulsive, or unprepared. thus, after a few repeated correct guesses on my behaviour, i was essentially handed a box within which my behaviour was expected to fit.

but there are 2 things that make the fit impossible.

firstly, because human reasoning isn't something you can accurately guess, no one can ever be sure of what you are thinking, or the conclusions you have come to. our nature is essentially unpredictable and you can't guess with any sort of convincing probability.

and secondly, our behaviours and thinking that accompany them, don't remain static. i look back a year and i can pull out a list of areas i've altered my thinking on. i look back 2, 3, 4 and ditto, there have been many, many changes.

i used to think she was right; that i was indeed so predictably... measured. her comments did get to the essence of my self-confidence and for a long while i had to grapple with the connotations behind the words she used to describe me.

that friend, and her box, are no longer a part of my life and i have learnt not to put others in similar boxes. everyone walks differently. some run, some skip, some stop to tie their shoelaces. some will sit on the bench. some will wander off into the fields. each time i look up, they're all doing something different.

when to stop

2005-04-16T03:02:00.000Z

exactly one month to go to my first paper... i must admit i am getting the jitters but i am handling the stress comparatively better than some of my friends. everyone says i don't look the least bit worried, and with a dismissive wave of the hand, they attribute it to some form of intelligence, or that i am apt at handling stressful situations.

truth be told however, i don't handle difficult situations well at all. i clam up. i take it all in. i frantically find an outlet to empty my unhappiness, but like a rat scraping against sewer walls, all i get are useless echoes that add to the frustration. it would help if there was someone i could confide in but everyone around me is equally worn out, and having to carry another person's burden is one person's too many.

thankfully, i am tackling this examination with much more confidence than ever before. i have put in effort through the year, more than my previous 2 years. yet sometimes i still ask myself, why don't i push myself harder? as hard as i did last year. i am definitely capable of the extra hours. because there is a limit beyond which, it just doesn't make sense. sometimes, putting a stop is a good thing. i'm not giving up, i'm saving myself enough energy to fight another day. another way of handling difficult situations. which includes people, and relationships as well.

a microcosm of worlds

2005-04-15T11:29:00.000Z

Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
But say what you want
Say what you want

-- Powerless, by Nelly Furtado

we celebrated my sister's birthday yesterday at Nando's in Tooting. always the likeable girl, gentle but with a good enough dose of assertion and tact. this year's celebration was a pale shadow compared to last year, but only because study committments got in the way of things. but it was an enjoyable evening, and a welcome break from all the alcohol-filled parties birthdays have become associated with.

it always surprises me how different people are in different environments. do we change our surroundings? or do they change us? life outside Zone 1 seems to go by at almost half the pace. (night) buses take longer to arrive. dinners last 3 hours. dinner discussions revolve around the simpler things in life. people leave early because they have to catch up on work, or to try and make it to school tomorrow.

which is why i am considering living outside of Zone 1 next year. the "challenges" are considerable. chinatown is a little further away. getting home after the Tube shuts down will be a costly affair. will it be worth the savings in rent? but living out of the boiler pot does have its advantages and allure. the feeling of space is one of them. the pace of work is already going to be so hectic, having a real home away from the daily grind would be a good idea.

decisions with a shelf-life of months are hard to make.

turn at the apex

2005-04-14T01:09:00.000Z

life's been treating me good the past 2 weeks. no doubt there has been alot of work and alot of hours invested into revision, but everything seemed to be moving with grace. the pace of revision has been good and i started visiting the gym regularly again.

but everything works in cycles these days. my finances seem to be improving now that i am eating at home a little more. the weather is back to being outrageously cold for this time of the year. my moodiness seems to be creeping back up again.

i reckon i am just a little tired of the routine of studying 12 hours a day. has been that way for the past 4 weeks, and with another 5 to go, it seems like an awfully long road. i find myself losing focus once in awhile, when i don't see results forthcoming or when the difficulty seems insurmountable. that happened today, when i decided to start looking at a new module. suddenly i lose confidence in myself, but it is enough to derail my efforts for a good two hours.

but this is where it is so different this year.

friends. people around me.

i pop over to MSN, whine a teensy bit, and they start asking what's wrong. a little small talk, a little more sighing, and suddenly the weight is all lifted from me.

the only way i go now, is up.

clutch in, engage gears, change direction

2005-04-11T14:21:00.000Z

i bit the bullet and decided to get myself a new compact digital camera, for those situations when a DSLR would bring strange stares. like in a nightclub. ok, a DSLR would probably get you thrown out, or barred entry because the crumpler bag its in doesn't meet the dress requirements.

sure, i lose the ED glass, the bokeh from the (lack of ) depth of field, the crinkled barrel feel. pudgy finger on a plastic button; the feeling just isn't the same again. my first camera, the Nikon F90x, was purchased because everytime i used it to take a picture, the shutter whirr was simply amazing. and the F90x had more metal than plastic.

fast forward 12 years and i'm doing something i would never have done then. but my motives are different now. it is all about capturing the candid moments, the brief moments that you rarely notice. i would have bought a digital Leica if they made one just as good (but then it wouldn't really be a Leica anymore). digital is changing photography, no longer is it about technical precision that only a measured setup would provide. wrong exposure? correct it using photoshop. red eyes? distracting backgrounds? nothing is too difficult for Photoshop. digital editing is becoming part of the picture taking process itself.

but what photoshop can't do (yet), or can't do with ease, is decide on the content of the picture. this is where having a small camera, yet one that performs well, will fill the gap. street photography.

i won't be using the F10 till the summer holidays in Portugal, but i do hope to include some pictures of daily life.

secret missions uncovered

2005-04-10T15:43:00.000Z

"Use the talents you posses, for the woods would be a very silent place if no birds sang except the best."

it has been a great weekend, the 3rd weekend since Easter holidays started. we had dinner at a Lebanese restaurant at Green Park, and some of us proceeded to a club for some drinks thereafter. it felt good to be in the company of familiar faces and be able to talk openly without having to worry about being judged. ok, perhaps not TOO openly, some things are better left unsaid even within the closest of friends. adding on to what i wrote about a friendships, having the familiarity builds trust and openness. and this brings tolerance and unjudgmental thinking.

did i also mention that i have made going to the gym a feature of my daily routine as well? it has been over 2 years, with a few failed attempts in between, but i have finally done it! the exercise does good to keep me going given the brutal hours this Easter, and it does wonders for your self confidence as well. that much needed boost, the extra pat on your back for having run the laps, it propels you forward during the day. all this and i get to lose a few (hopefully!) kgs as well.

activities-wise, the week ahead won't be any different from the last. but by starting the mornings correctly, i wade through the weeds with a different, more springy instep.

next generation prosumer DSLRs

2005-04-08T23:53:00.000Z

seemingly content being one step behind the competition, Nikon has announced that it will be releasing an upgraded version of its D70 (aptly named the D70s) and a new entry-level DSLR called the D50.

one-quarter way through

2005-04-05T12:28:00.000Z

Older chests reveal themselves
Like a crack in a wall
Starting small, and grow in time
And we (always) seem to need the help
Of someone else
To mend that shelf
(of) Too many books
Read me your favourite line

Papa went to other lands
And he found someone who understands
The ticking, and the western man's need to cry
He came back the other day, yeah you know
Some things in life may change
And some things
They stay the same

Like time, there's always time
On my mind
So pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time

Older gents sit on the fence
With their cap in hand
Looking grand
They watch their city change
Children scream, or so it seems,
Louder than before
Out of doors, into stores with bigger names
Mama tried to wash their faces
But these kids they lost their graces
And daddy lost at the races too many times

She broke down the other day, yeah you know
Some things in life may change
But some things they stay the same

Like time, time, there's always time
On my mind
So pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time,
Time, there's always time
On my mind
Pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time

-- Older Chests by Damien Rice

lately, i have been very busy with work. examinations are less than 2 months away and there is so much material left to cover. the monotony of studying hasn't gotten to me yet, thankfully. perhaps it is because i've been taking it somewhat slower by putting in shorter, but more focused hours. i'm no longer sleeping at my desk but writing out notes in my usual intense manner. the subjects appeal to me more this year, perhaps because i can see a use for them outside the university walls. or perhaps because my prognosis of life has improved greatly over the intervening year. whatever the reason, it is making reading and learning a whole lot more fulfilling! i can focus all my energy towards achieving what i want, nothing else will derail my efforts this time.

... never thought i'd say all that!

we are simple creatures of the earth

2005-04-04T02:33:00.000Z

"Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it."

and it is alot easier with one of these babies from Apple. ever since getting my hands on one, i haven't been able to live a day without it. yup, less is certainly better, no more having to fiddle around with complicated EQ settings, or renaming filenames to make sure a sensible title appears. with something so minimalist, you don't get detracted from the real experience being offered. in this new world thanks to miniaturisation and increasing levels of technology awareness, we are given the ability to decide better.

take for example the latest 3G handsets. they're jam packed with features and functions you'll probably never use. do you know what AGPS is? will you ever make a videocall, or leave a videomail? we have the internet, TiVo, online grocery shopping, the choices you make with them you have to make quickly. which site to surf to? which channels to record? collectively, because we spend so much effort in making up our minds, we don't have much appetite to enjoy the meal when it finally comes. we're occupied doing something else by then, or something else takes hold of our attention. needless to say, by having so many choices in front of us, and having to make so many decisions, we devalue the whole process to something barely more thought provoking than having to breathe.

thus the iPod shuffle cleverly works because it frees us more time to do other things. the design is simple - a USB key doubling up as a media playback device. recharging its batteries is a matter of finding a USB port. any laptop would have one of those. using it is simple - a dial and one button. some toys for babies these days are more complicated than this. with no screen to show you what's being played, you aren't compelled to watch the device. neither are you able to choose what to play next.

its the same concept with predictive text dictionaries on your phone. or with automatic transmissions on your car, or with "touch and go" prepaid cards for public transport travel.

living should get easier.

2005-04-01T10:08:00.000Z

"Friendship isn't partying with a group of people to get drunk or chatting with him/her once a week, it's exactly the opposite. Friends make sure you get home safely and they help you when you need it, no matter the scenario. They don't care about what clothes you wear or what you look like, and they don't last for a day. Real friends are more interested in what direction your life is headed rather than your popularity. They care about what you have to say and how you feel, and once you meet this person you'll know it without having to think twice."

i've been a little deficient in updating this blog over the past few days... this entry is 2 days overdue! dinners, suppers and late nights (with work) have been keeping me away, but it is time for a little unwinding, and a little thinking :)

had dinner in Chinatown on Thursday with T... and we were talking about our friends and the friendships they offered. i am fortunate that the friends i have are the most amazing creatures ever and i wrote about them in an earlier post. there is a certain frankness, a certain understanding that we are all different in some way. all the dinners, the nights out clubbing, the hours on holiday, and we still want more. i have never had to doubt their sincerity, and hope i never have to. there have been times when we have had to tread carefully when opinions differed within the group. but because of the understanding we share, we know how our perspectives align, and we know that no one has his own agenda.

i believe that knowing a person is the most important bit of a friendship. it isn't the merriment or the talks over coffee. these are good for acquaintences where you barely scratch the surface. with a friendship, communication goes beyond the spoken word. and because so much more is already shared, we hold back less on what we say. trust builds this way. familiarity and understanding grows both ways.

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends

await a new king

2005-03-31T13:34:00.000Z

"Many that live deserve death, and some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death and judgement, for not even the very wise can see all ends."

-- Gandalf- JRR Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

if you surf the net for a fifth of all your daylight hours like i do, you must have heard of podcasting. briefly, it is the term given to an audio broadcast over the internet packaged in a medium that allows the user to listen to it at his own leisure. MP3 is the most common format used to package anything audible these days, while any MP3 playback device (a reference is made to the iPod, but any other device could be used) can be used to listen to the broadcast. a more comprehensive writeup can be found at Wikipedia.

after downloading the new version of iPodder, i joined one of 100,000+ podcasters around the world. with ADSL, you can easily download 3 hours of podcasts in 20 minutes. unfortunately, the scope of what is available is still very limited and at first glance, a large amount of it is devoted to serving the needs of the techies and movie-buffs of the world. which is fine by me! eagerly, i got myself a podcast, moved it to my iPod shuffle, and went to the gym.

after twenty minutes on the exercise bike, i decided it -- podcasting, wasn't for me. reviews were made an hour long because the hosts kept engaging in not-so-witty dialogue. there wasn't much advertising, but i can imagine that if podcasting takes off, aspiring 'DJs' will turn, perhaps a little too enthusiastically to advertising to cover their costs or even earn a dime. IMO, podcasts are the virtual substitutes of reading a magazine, or reading the newspapers. they're not perfect substitutes, and i can see some areas where they could improve on today's print-based content delivery.

one thing that it has got going for it, is that MP3s are widely supported. furthermore, with file sharing technology like BitTorrent and P2P networks like Emule, the cost of delivery falls to next to nothing. bandwidth requirements would be exceedingly low. hence the focus of the competition will be in the content, which means that as listeners we should benefit the most.

unfortunately, as with any immature product, the scope of what it can do is still be defined. there isn't much competition, hence the quality of podcasts is still below par (IMO!) instead of sitting through 45 minutes of mindless to-fro conversation, i could open up slashdot's page and read the pertinent points in under 10 minutes. granted i don't have internet access whilst sitting on the exercise bike, but i could be reading a magazine or a book that has the same amount of good information.

Virgin Radio recently announced that it will be entering the podcasting fray and IMO it is a good sign that a decent corporation has turned its attention to this new medium. The tools are all already in place. Fraunhofer Institute gave us the MP3 format. Bram Cohen created BitTorrent. Apple gave us the iPod and firmly established MP3s as the replacement to the music CD. Who is going to claim the podcasting domain?

growing old or growing up?

2005-03-29T12:40:00.000Z

"Resilency is an important factor in living. The winds of life may bend us. To courageously straighten again after our heads have been bowed by defeat, disappointment and suffering is the supreme test of character."

most of my posts this month have been rather morose, though funnily enough, i have been in good spirits for most of the month. perhaps blogging has become an avenue of escape and a way to let go of these difficult thoughts.

yesterday, i was out with some friends i don't see very often. we had a very good dinner @ Hakkasan's (the epicurean adventure certainly did not come cheap!) followed by the customary round of drinks where we would update each other on what's happening in our lives. the topics revolved around work, college life, dating experiences and holiday plans. nothing you would not expect from a group of college students. a particular friend however, always makes it a point to talk about age, and the effect of getting old. a string of bad experiences had left him a little jaded from the pursuit of new love. in jest, i would brush aside his suggestion that it was time to consider settling down, or that we should give up senseless partying on Fridays for something a little more befitting of our age.

but it made me ponder for some time, when i would actually decide to switch lanes. it is not something you can predict with much accuracy, but perhaps i could list the circumstances under which i would switch lanes. no, that wouldn't be correct either. i would be imposing on myself a list of prerequisites that are unlikely to stand the test of time! i am fortunate that time is not in short supply and i am allowed a period to wallow in. i do not know if others walk into the biggest puzzle of their lives totally blind, but it certainly feels that way for me. i don't know what i am looking for, or how difficult the puzzle is. if you believe in fate and a destiny, then the path to the puzzle has already been decided. otherwise, it changes everytime i make a decision.

how would you know you've reached the end?

out of sight out of mind

2005-03-28T00:50:00.000Z

"We each have our own path to tread. That seems such a simple and obvious thought, but in the world of relationships where so many people subliminate their own true feelings and desires in consideration of others, we take far too many steps off that true path. In the end, though, if we are to truly be happy, we must follow our hearts and find our way alone, leaving that consideration behind."

today was one of the worst days i've had in a long while. i thought a good night's sleep would erase the misgivings of yesterday, but it did not result in the cure i was looking for. instead of concentrating on my revision, i spent the day mulling over so many things. exam preparations, results, relationships, friendships. in recent weeks, these 4 things seem to form a recurring theme. there are many unresolved issues in my friendships and relationships, most of which are beyond my control at the present time. i will have to find the discipline to segment away these issues in order to focus on what is more important. but that is where i will falter because i am easily distracted by unanswered questions. this quality is a double-edged sword. i am curious, academically and i enjoy the pursuit of answers. but there are times when enough depth has been reached, yet i am unsatisfied. the same applies with everything i do, and with my friends i have to remind myself to respect their boundaries. sometimes i quiz with scant sensitivity, or remark with callous judgement, because i want answers and to be able to rationalise behaviour.

but human actions are driven (largely) by thought, and thought is not always rational. finding answers to something that does not follow a set of rules means you always expect some judgement errors. for the past year, i am slowly learning to give up searching for answers to everything. it has caused me much anguish and many difficult nights in the past. i am learning to accept without question. ironically, someone who has done national serivce should already have blood ties with such a concept. but i was fortunate enough never to have been subjugated into an operational unit where my questioning nature would probably have caused me much physical anguish and difficulty.

i will have to dig deep to find the strength i need to cast these issues aside. i failed to do this last year, because i only had a sliver of the strength i now have, and also because no box could contain my malaise. a year later, today, things are very different. i have new friends with whom i could confide in. i have this blog. this time i have no excuses.

a pint of restoration and release for a moody mind, please!

2005-03-27T08:50:00.000Z

"Losing sight of who you are is one of the most terrifying points in your life, whatever its cause. Do not become weak by slowly sinking into depression, but become stronger by redefining yourself as you wish. It is people that do the latter that often do great things."

there are days when it feels as if you have 10 ton gorilla sitting piggyback on your shoulders, when the weight of your troubles, worries and unfinished business adds and compounds and presents itself unexpectedly like a torrent of summer rain.

yesterday was one such day that saw the gorilla come knocking suddenly. the afternoon was spent walking down people-infested Covent Garden and later, Piccadilly. perhaps it was the crowd, i had to constantly sidestep oncoming tourists who seemed to be able to see through me. it is taxing to hold a conversation while having to continuously dodge people! or maybe it was the heat. we had a good day weather-wise yesterday but with the heat went the humidity. without a cool breeze to lift the sinking heat, i could feel myself roasting from the inside out. like a piece of meat in a microwave, it is zapped by invisible heat rays as it wanders aimlessly on the turning dial. and the zapping makes you irritable.

no, i am certain that these are only cursory explanations. the real reason, was stress from work. every year, with the beginning of easter comes a mad race to jam pack my head with everything gleaned from lectures for a year. it is NO easy task when you don't lead the life of a student. studying in London means you spend less time on books and assignments than food, shopping, tv and drinks combined. there are more than 26 weeks of vacation a year. it is cruelty of the highest degree when the summer examination timetables are released.

during dinner, i felt totally disconnected. from the summer holidays we were planning. from my friends. from the food. sorry guys. that just wasn't me.

evolution of fun

2005-03-24T02:31:00.000Z

"Imagine life is a game in which you are juggling five balls. The balls are called work, family, health, friends, and integrity. And youre keeping all of them in the air. But one day you finally come to understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered. And once you truly understand the lesson of the five balls, you will have the beginnings of balance in your life."

it always plays out the same way. we want a holiday, but nobody willingly volunteers time and effort towards planning for it. third and final year, i would have thought that perhaps someone might be kind enough to take up the reins. let me take the back seat for awhile, and enjoy one last summer holiday. but i know it will not happen, because people don't change (much), and because i am good at what i do.

we will be headed to Portugal this year. having done so much travelling, there aren't that many places left (with a beach) that we haven't been to. we did consider the Canary Islands, but after reading the lonely planet's scathing description of the 4 white dots in the Meditereanean, we decided to get a tan elsewhere. holidays used to be full of sightseeing; visting grand churches, boating down rivers, taking in oodles of local culture (and cuisine!). it was all good fun then. Europe and its amazing diversity seemed to offer us so much.

just like being tuned in to a single radio station, things did get rather repetitive. shopping seemed more alluring than visiting 15th century masonry. eating was alot more satisfying than walking down Old Town. the word fun was beginning to take on a more direct meaning.

i am very fortunate that my group of friends have such easy-going personalities. while holidaying in Copenhagen, a split decision to visit Sweden for an afternoon was easily taken despite none of us having the slightest clue what we would when we got there. none of us had any Sweedish currency either. yet because what was important was who we were with, and not where we went, or how we got there, or why we went there, things worked out well.

i am guessing that this is why our definition of fun has changed. over time, we have gotten so accustomed to each other's jokes and pokes that we cannot do without them. leave us anywhere with the creature comforts that will elicit more of such behaviour and fun is definitely be what we will be having. so find us a place with, and surely this list is non-exhaustive, satellite tv, golf courses, unspoilt beaches, sea-views, bars and pubs, fresh seafood... and 7 beds for us.

Portugal aloha!

itchy fingers

2005-03-23T13:29:00.000Z

"The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions."

-- Alfred Lord Tennyson

this itch to buy a new gadget comes back every now and then. thankfully, as i get older, i seem to be getting this itch less frequently. my last purchase was a movie projector for the apartment. before you ask how a student affords one of these behemoths, i would like to say that it is a low-end model that more than surpasses my expectations. the technology in projectors (DLP) has reached a level that allows prices to reach end consumer levels. hooked up to my flatmate's Playstation 2 as well as my computer, nothing can quite compare to watching TV on a screen the size of your living room wall!

i am now looking to invest in a new compact digital camera. now, those who know me, will probably be wondering why i would want to do such a thing. a projector made sense; i was upgrading from 17 inches to over 70 inches. but a compact digital camera when i already a DSLR (Fuji S2 Pro) and an arsenal of lenses? excluding the last 2.5 years since coming to London, i have been hooked on photography for the longest time since. alot of time and money was invested in the hobby and i even did freelance work because i could not afford the sums needed to buy new equipment. the money earned could not cover the sums in entirety, though it did reduce my dependence on mum's money (by a bit!).

but why a compact digital camera? i have come to realise that i will probably not have the time to pursue the hobby at the level i used to. even as a student i could never find the time, or the like minded people who would be willing to talk aperture and shutter speed to me. the weight of the equipment also puts a serious strain on the 'fun' factor. so i have decided to forgo the big guns for something much, much smaller. strip away the complexities of taking a picture. leave the tedium of technical perfection to the inbuilt processor.

sometimes, less is better.

err on the side of anger

2005-03-22T23:12:00.000Z

"Your anger is like the bubbles in a can of soda. The more you’re shaken, the more you want to let it out. The longer you keep it in though, the greater the size of the eventual explosion - and the flatter the drink at the end."

managing anger is one of those things that bring woe if you don't have it in the right amount. too little of it and others think you can't get a grip on your emotions. they think you're a firecracker, a powder keg waiting to explode. too much of it and you the anger swallows you. with every incursion, you feel increasingly trapped as you are forced (cruelly, by your inability to release anger) to bear the weight of your unhappiness.

for a long time, i fell into the latter category although i have, in recent times, begun to move into healthier territory. i always believed that my anger and frustrations were belonged to me and they had no place out in the open. furthermore, i rarely ever felt angry at anybody but when it did happen, i would always find a rational explanation to placate myself. this was my way of managing anger, and for a long time, it worked. my parents never showed me any anger, nor have i ever seen them angry at one another. i read somewhere that a child's personality is strongly affected by what he sees in his parents; their actions, their guidance, their thinking.

but i was forced to change last year when circumstances made me react irrationally and uncontrollably. the anger that i kept bottled in me was let out and for a long time after, i found it difficult to deal with my actions because they were a totally new experience to me. "the first time is always special" and for me it was a difficult period of deciding what had gone wrong and what steps i could take to make sure i could never cut myself so deep again.

i have learnt not to shove my feelings of anger aside too quickly each time it calls. this was where i had gone wrong. this was the step i unknowingly neglected.

something made me spark off today. it was a minor spat, but enough to make me take steps i needed to simmer down. a year ago, i would have brushed it callously aside. in hindsight, i probably over-reacted, but i am glad i did. it is with these small shakes that prepare you for the big one.

just do it

2005-03-21T22:17:00.000Z

"...there is nothing heavier than compassion. Not even one's own pain weighs so heavy as the pain one feels with someone, for someone, a pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echoes."

-- Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

i took the plunge, and finished reading The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles by Haruki Murakami. i did take quite awhile to whittle through all 600 pages, which is an accomplishment seeing how i usually tire of books i don't finish within a week or two. the original was written in Japanese, but thankfully, good effort was put into the translation and the resulting product was a joy to read. the literature was powerful in its description and it provided a very immersing experience. some bits were especially captivating; Honda's war stories and the dreams of Malta and Creta Kano. the main story behind the book's title is a straightforward one, and as it unfolds, we find out more about the peculiar events that intertwine the book's characters. read its chapters as you would read articles in the newspaper - each chapter is a discrete portion of the chronicles.

now, for something a little less hard-hitting.

after months of procrastination, i visited the gym for an hour today. nothing compared to the 2-3 hour sessions i used to frequently claim 2 years ago. i didn't even touch the weights (this gym isn't too well-equipped and i'm thinking of using an alternative one) but i did spend quality time with Mr Treadmill. the effect of sloth is starting to show on me and yes, as much as i would like to deny it, i am rather concerned about my vital measurements. i'm not someone who easily sticks to new committments unless they're tangibly rewarding. with gym exercise, not only is it strenous (if done right!), it also means sacrificing quality sleeping time, and results are never guaranteed.

a little more faith, a little less calculation, a little less procrastination are what i need to make this succeed. and these same rules apply to the other areas in my life i would like to see change for the better.

rough, open seas

2005-03-20T10:19:00.000Z

"Despite the fact that there are over eight million people on the island of Manhattan, there are times you still feel shipwrecked and alone. Times even the most resourceful survivor would feel the need to put a message in a bottle, or on an answering machine."

-- Sex and the City

friendships and relationships have their ups and downs, like waves in the ocean. troughs are matched with crests, which are brought on by different weather patterns. sometimes, when the paths of waves converge, their motions forcibly change. such events appear totally random, but you can't help thinking how they are sometimes connected. i am the buoy that is anchored in one position, but bobs according to the rhythm of the sea.

i spent a large portion of the day with my flatmate, H yesterday. for most of this term, we haven't really been spending much time together, partly because there is a new person in her life. do not mistake my grievances for bitterness; having to walk away from a good friendship for awhile meant having the chance to explore different avenues. it also gives you the space and fuels the desire to build a stronger relationship. call it a process of creative deconstruction. every now and then you demolish some walls, with an expectation that in time you will patch it all back. perhaps a little brutally, i call it the survival of the fittest. only the strongest friendships will survive the most difficult moments. only the strongest friendships demand every ounce of emotional committment an intimate relationship would have. the best lovers are also the best friends, but rarely vice versa!

we walked from Waterloo to Bermondsey. for those unfamiliar with this part of London, we traversed 2.5 miles of the Thames which was set against the most amazing skies i have seen all year. and talked. and talked. and talked.

another chapter starts

2005-03-19T22:56:00.000Z

"I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot...and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that's precisely why I succeed."

-- Michael Jordan

for 6 months of the year you rarely see the sun. it would rain nearly every other day, and one could be forgiven for forgetting that the sky should be blue. every square inch of the sky stays grey, and all we have are dreams of sun, sea, sand and sky. but every year around March, this veil is lifted, and suddenly, life in London becomes damn bloody well worth it.

college term ended yesterday, and together with the mediterranean weather, the feeling was simply amazing. people's moods are definitely correlated to the weather. the streets were crowded again and people looked as if they had waited for such weather for months. yes, it IS worth facing the fall and winter months to be rewarded with such things. i am having the time of my life, these few days. eating great food, spending individual time with special people, just doing things without having the nagging pull of deadlines.

yesterday, we spent the afternoon at Harvey Nichols, where the girls were all booked in for a free makeover. some of them had their hair done (without loss of generality, first you cut/dye your hair, then you curl it, then apply hairspray), bought new shoes and outfits, all for last night's party. everyone was determined to end the term, and our 3 years, on a memorable note.

much transition is in progress.

a surfeit of cynicism; objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are

2005-03-18T00:31:00.000Z

"Time's funny. When you're a kid, it passes slowly, and next thing you're fifty and your childhood fits into a rusty little box."

-- Bretodeau, Amélie

yesterday turned out to be the most amazing day ever, in a really, really long while. amazing not only because it was the first day in months i could feel the sunshine, but because there was a radiance within me that refused to go away. maybe the spring weather had something to do with it. it was like meeting an old friend i had not seen in months. i felt connected, familiar, a sense of old belonging. everyone seemed doubly quick, no longer encumbered by the dampening winter coats.

i've met many new people over the last year and i will meet many more. new friends, new relationships. but i am encumbered, not by any emotional distress or bitter aftertaste, but by a wall of cynicism that indiscrimately stands in my way. what if this wall is responsible for me passing up on a chance with someone of good-hearted intentions? i am more weary these days, and a little (more) disbelieving in the sincerity of expressions.

spring has been late this year and i'm glad it is finally here to stay. living in a country with distinct seasons brings variety throughout the year. the colder months are marked by ski trips, quiet getaways to northern countries and christmas dinners. the warmer months are graced with trips to the beach, summer sales, irrepresible sunshine and so, so much eye-candy. having lived in the tropics for over 20 years, having 4 seasons around is like finding out that genres of music exist beyond RnB. a different sound, a different mood.

variety IS the spice of life.

sweet dreams are made of these

2005-03-16T07:46:00.000Z

"The truth is not in the words we speak. It is not in the actions that we present before others. The truth is in our hearts and in no way can it ever be fully explained."

woke up today feeling very refreshed. it has been quite some time since i've had such a good sleep. 9, uninterrupted hours of mental shutdown. you know you've had enough when waking up is a 5 second procedure. lately, there have been so many things happening, taking away time that could have been used sleeping. i've been reading The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami, so far an excellent piece of writing that i've found difficult to put down. i've also been playing many more games of Literati than i should. addictive because beating C is always a funny moment! on top of all that are the movies i've watched, some end of term drinks and parties to attend, and the revision that is slowly starting to take form.

i will set aside a day or two when i can afford to retire a little earlier. how will i fit everything into a day's schedule? it is common fact that as a generation, we are sleeping less. a large part of this is due to the prevalance of technology around us, trapising around in our bedrooms, overtaking our kingdoms of sleep. but perhaps a little less, is actually alot more.

my head doesn't weigh tons, and i think i can do big things today. mornings tell me if i drag through the day, or whether i run through it light-footed. a good start is what i'm going to have today, coupled with a good breakfast at Pret!

it is time to leave the beach

2005-03-14T09:52:00.000Z

"There is neither happiness nor misfortune in this world. There is merely the comparison between one state and another, nothing more. Only someone who has suffered the deepest misfortune is capable of experiencing the highs of felicity. You must need have wished to die, to know how good it is to live."
-- Alexander Dumas

writing this blog is finally becoming something of a habit for me. for years i've always tried to keep a journal, to catalog life's many, many peculiarities, subtle moments and incisive revelations. the big things in life -- joyous moments of a marriage, stank feelings of a fight, these we remember with kinsu lucidity. but everything else fades with age. it is still in its infancy, but writing has given me a chance to explore a deeper conscience. having these words appear on the screen provide a relative tangibility to my thoughts. i don't know who reads my blog, you're all strangers to me. i've decided to keep the existence of this blog a secret among my friends for the time being, perhaps when i am satisfied with the level of my writing will i tell them about it.

soon, i will change the name of the blog to reflect my writing a little better. the beach life is about solitude and simplicity -- a period i have been going through in the past year. it is almost a year since the day things fell apart and i was left to unravel a tangled self. the beach life was also a place of escape, a drastic change to one's environment (of tight, winding Londonian streets). i led a life on the beach for some time, and it is time to walk back to civilisation once more.

change always refreshes. like a car that is put into the correct gear given its speed and road conditions, the initial period after the gear change comes with pleasantries if done correctly. i am at the bottom of a hilly climb at the moment and a gear change is paramount.

just another saturday

2005-03-13T12:06:00.000Z

"The difference between genius and insane is only measured by success."

watched Hostage yesterday. that's the fourth movie this week, which means a movie every other day. Bruce Willis turns in a great performance in this thriller, but the movie is sorely punctuated by gaping plot holes that makes the storyline seem amateurish at times. while there were (a few) taut situations brought about by the speed at which the movie moves ahead, this crescendo is wasted on the cliche, cartoon-esque sequences that appear at every climax.

not worth the pounds i paid to watch it, it still provided for a night's entertainment on a saturday i had no plans for.

the people in my life

2005-03-12T18:03:00.000Z

"Maturity is not measured by age but by the way you handle yourself in adverse situations."
-- Drew Szabo

nothing beats ending a week by chilling out to good music with your best pals, in a club that oversees Leceister Sqaure. while i would have preferred a little more RnB and a little less house, the real entertainment was ultimately provided by my friends. i could never have asked for a better group of friends, who, for the last 2 years, have provided me with all the laughter and merriment without which, i would have twice as much white hairs. what makes this group of friends different from any i've had in the past, is the diversity of the people in the group. we are a strange mix, yet we're able to put aside key differences and build good friendships, some of which have blossomed beyond.

no man is an island, and for some time, i was alone. i have since walked away from that cage with more wisdom, compassion and strength. instead of making simple acquaintances, it is more satisfying to work on existing ones. i have grown weary of casual introductions, many of these i might not ever see again. coming to the end of college life, i would expect my social circle to suddenly collapse, leaving behind only the best of friends.

another movie night

2005-03-11T08:57:00.000Z

"We lead our lives like water flowing down a hill, going more or less in one direction until we splash into something that forces us to find a new course."
-- Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

watched Hotel Rwanda yesterday, and i enjoyed the show tremendously. thumbs up, girls! you've renewed my faith in your abilities to pick movies! ;-) the movie doesn't center around the genocide in Rwanda, it is about a hotel manager who makes an effort to save the lives of over a thousand people. a 2 hour movie couldn't possibly tell the tale of what happened in that country, thankfully it doesn't try to. screenplay time is used to paint Paul (Don Cheadle) as a magnanimous and selfless person and depict the actions his takes towards resolving the various crises that are thrown his way.

whilst watching the show, i noticed that Paul's ability to be assertive and prioritise family was something i really admired. when it comes to personal and intimate relationships, i find it difficult (and i suspect most people do as well) to set boundaries and make decisions. but i am learning everyday, becoming a little more resilient to difficult situations, and difficult people. saying no to the people that mattered the most has always been a dilemma. my last relationship was wrought apart because i didn't know how to handle a disagreement. i didn't know how to say no. i believe this to be a consequence of how i was brought up. i was always encouraged to accomplish as much as i could, and that meant everything i did. i needed to experience failure in order to understand the value of priority, and i finally have. and by prioritising, you know what it is that you really want.

falling with your eyes open

2005-03-09T09:02:00.000Z

"Something's got me reelin', it stopped me from believin'
Turn me around again
Said that we can do it, you know I wanna do it again"
-- Every Morning , Sugar Ray

Every once in a while, i will make a memorable mistake. and because i've gone against unbelievable odds after having checked the facts and solicited second and third opinions, it guarantees that i won't be forgetting the episode for quite awhile.

The smackdown: me versus my prof's lecture notes. i had sent an email the day before about a mistake, turns out i was wrong, and he was waiting for me to retract the email.

"... i usually allow for a gestation period for such things."

episodes like these drive away the drivel that makes life routine. for the past few weeks since i've returned from Singapore, this drivel seems to have pervaded a large portion of my life. every step is one step closer to the exams in summer, and there really isn't much to do then except study. and it makes me feel stunted. exams are a revision of things learnt in the past, things that ought to already be understood. so by spending all my energy on exam preparation, i can't gain anything else. but such is the life of a college student.

to T: i guess its pretty clear where things are headed now. i just needed to be sure, i am now. i hope you'll find the answers you were looking for. answers to questions that made us drift apart faster than whatever brought us together in the first place.

lets get it started

2005-03-08T09:23:00.000Z

"You know procrastination is the same thing as masturbation. Sure, it feels great in the beginning, but in the end, you're really just fucking yourself."

reality hit me hard yesterday as i took a leak (no, i checked that ages ago), there's only a week of college left. uno. one.

i twitch.

there's just so much ground to cover, so much material to engrave into the upper reaches of my head. i don't believe it can be done. and being my final year, it isn't going to be an easy walk in the park. and i have only 1 chance to get it done right. hell, i say this every year (with somewhat smaller superlatives), and i manage to wing it.

i just need to get my head in gear.

a better movie effort

2005-03-06T11:08:00.000Z

"Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are."
-- Dale Carnegie

not wanting to be cooped up doing nothing on a Saturday night but keeping myself warm in front of the heater, we went to watch Kinsey. it was a welcome reprieve from yesterday's movie. it opened up quite a few viewpoints on human sexual behaviour that must have touched more than just a raw nerve when Dr Kinsey did his studies in the 40s. frankly, most of us would probably agree that you can't distill sex and love into their unique concentrations. motives aside, the movie provided an entertaining foray into sex, and judging from the muffled giggles, sustained gasps and uncomfortable fidgeting from the audience, it shows we haven't yet managed the emotional detachment Kinsey flaunted. thank heavens! Liam Neeson, alongside Laura Linney, delivered strong performances. it would have been difficult to approach the issue of sex onscreen without the intensity and resolve of their characters.

attack of the microbugs

2005-03-05T09:54:00.000Z

"Sometimes we put up walls, not to block people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."

for the past 3 days i have been sick. the weather has been absolutely unkind, freezing temps for the past week causing the coldest march weekends in the past 10 years. normally, i'd enjoy the cold spell, the cool breeze enlivens you and quickens your step. but now that i'm sick, the past 2 nights have been difficult. pure hell.

watched Flight of the Phoenix yesterday, only because we could not make the screening of Spanglish. i am, by relative standards, a rather fussy person when it comes to shelling out pounds to watch a movie and so i rarely watch anything trash. FotP is the exception that falls through the net. for 2 hours, the plot snaked around and with no ending twist, the show ended on a whimper. essentially 2 main characters, everyone else was basically dispensable. even Lost can hold my attention better.

(warning: spoilers ahead, you may want to skip this paragraph if you haven't watched Lost 1x18 Numbers)

speaking of Lost, it will be another 6 weeks before the show returns to american TV. the questions on everyone's minds, what do the numbers mean? and who's going to die in the season finale? kudos to JJ Abrams. 18 episodes into the season and we are still left guessing. more questions than answers. in fact, nothing has really been answered yet. its one thing to leave plot threads unfinished, its another to have your entire audience guessing 24/7. lets just hope that the series maintains its momentum through to the next season, and not fizzle midstream like Alias.

getting lucky

2005-03-03T08:33:00.000Z

"Time's funny. When you're a kid, it passes slowly, and next thing you're fifty and your childhood fits into a rusty little box"

-- Bretodeau, Amélie

took a break from work yesterday and spent the day doing silly things :) but the stress release was immense. we sat in Starbucks, and took potshots at a friend who's recently gotten back with his ex-girlfriend. we're not entirely certain it is going to last, its the 3rd time they've gotten back together, in less than 3 months. but hey! you only get to live once. so i decided to pick up a copy of Blink later on.

earlier in the day, C and i were looking out for Lost trivia. yes, we're all living in a world gripped by the show. why are you not watching it yet?! we come across the birthdays of the cast, turns out a good half of them are around my age. it was a scary thought and i felt as if i had wasted a good bit of my youth. looking back at the last 3 years, there just doesn't seem to be much to brag about. i'm about to wrap up this stage of life, i should just concentrate on achieving what i've always wanted, a good honours degree.

a friend once mentioned to me that sometimes its all about having a lucky break. you can work your ass off during university, magna cum laude, prestigious scholarships, but so many do that as well. what you really need, is luck. fashion models who are noticed whilst shopping when they're 14. analysts picked out by CEOs during business meetings. winners of this Saturday's Lotto.

i'm a hard worker, and always believed in the merits of working hard. but these days i've started to take a more relaxed perspective to life. it is making me unseated, but that's only because its a change in evolution.

it looks like i won't be doing much today either! :)

warning: FFX-2 spoilers ahead

2005-03-02T09:24:00.000Z

"It seems like I'm always getting stuck
Between the handshake and the fuck"
-- Foo Fighters, "My Poor Brain"

before the end of every year, i will always draw up a list of things to do the following year. for the last 2 years, that list has always contained the same thing. Final Fantasy.

80 hours later, a couple of frustrating moments, and 3% short of a perfect endgame (shamefully high by powergaming standards), i've defeated the big bad gun and bagged myself quite a few special dressspheres and garment grids :)

so add this to the list, and i've played (but not completed) all the FF games since VI, except VIII. that installment isn't FF to me, there's no anime, no surreal fantasy.

unless you're an avid FF fan yourself, you must be thinking, what appeal is there in playing a game whose audience was ostensibly 10-15 year old kids? there's no guns-n-bullets action like Halo or Counterstrike, no demons-n-pagans like Quake and Doom, no big-chested-babes like Tomb Raider or Beach Volleyball. the dialogue is bad, the fighting sequences are repetitive and there is little challenge in beating the final boss.

truth be told, i'm not quite sure why i play this series so faithfully :) Square Enix, bring on the next FF!

2005-03-01T09:56:00.000Z

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

-- Delicate by Damien Rice

a hill to climb

2005-02-28T22:17:00.000Z

"Of all things aquired through life, the one possession we hope to never attain is regret. For that is a possession which cannot be sold or traded for anything at any cost."

i'm tired. again. sometimes i really wonder, is this what life is going to be like? where's the joy i'm supposed to be having, if at least for a few hours a day?

its never a winning battle against all the work that's piled up. i can barely find time to do any sports now, and what of friends and relationships? it must take some superhero effort to fit in so many things into a single day, and still come out of it with enough energy to want more. to want it everyday.

it feels as if i'm being dragged along by the routines of life. 3 meals a day or eat when hungry, whichever happens more frequently. attend lectures, classes, finish readings before time. laundry. tv. blog. reading.

perhaps what i need is to prioritise a little. right now i'm driven to just doing the bare essentials at the present moment, what's needed to survive final year at the LSE, because i chose to take a week and a half out to travel. once this passes, i'll be sure-footed once more again.

to T. you sounded pretty good yesterday on the phone, guess you've sorted some things out in the week that has passed. it was great to hear from you again.

copenhagen weekend

2005-02-27T22:51:00.000Z

got back from a 4D/3N trip to Copenhagen... of all the weeks in the year, we choose the coldest one! gripes aside, it is really an amazing place to visit (if you have lots of DKK). truth be told, we didn't really do much planning, but i guess we're just happy simply chilling out and having a really good time. highlights of the trip include:

1. seeing live, spontaneous, hand up skirt, hand on boob, girl-on-girl action. (mental note: tick off list of things to do in life)
2. spending 35 pounds for dinner, but thinking about the 2 pound hotdogs we had for lunch
3. visiting closed / closing attractions
4. deciding to visit another country on the spur of the moment
5. eating elk and ox meat

to the 7 other dudes on this trip, thank you very much for a really memorable one. been awhile since i had such fun on such a short trip. this one really rocked!

One more for the arsenal

2005-02-22T09:26:00.000Z

Alias. wait, now there's Lost. watched the first 5 episodes yesterday, got another 11 to go before i catch up with what's being screened on public TV. top marks to Mr Abrams, the man behind both these shows. just like alias, there's just enough suspense to make you want to watch the next episode. the acting isn't top grade and some of the physics in the show can't be believed (like cmon, a still active jet engine sitting upright on a beach after its fallen 35,000ft). but what makes this show exciting is its story. the Abrams style is plastered all over it. hanging endings that leave you with more questions than answers. plot lines that appear so fragmented but somehow loop together like teenage sweethearts by the end of the episode. he keeps you guessing, guessing and guessing wrong.

the producers seem to have put alot of thought into each minute of the show, watching it is like a good book you don't want to put down. Abrams has modeled the show's characters with more off-the-beaten track characteristics (listing them down would spoil the show for early watchers) and casted them in 2 of the most popular themes of today's television - reality TV and survival in traumatic conditions. it doesn't feel singularly American anymore, there's no CIA / FBI / NSA, no Coke / Pepsi, no left-hand driving.

unlike alias, there's no garner-esque lady.

freestylin'

2005-02-20T20:04:00.000Z

It was cold today. Had to be at least -3 degress, not counting any wind chill factor. An 'emergency' in the flat meant i had to haul ass across town to a small pharmarcy for 10quid of medication.

Central London on a Sunday morning behaves like a 5 year old kid who's suddenly realised he's lost his parents. Interrupted. Frozen (literally, today as well!). Lost. Suddenly, everything seems to work in slow motion, like the scenes from the Matrix. I'm walking faster, with more energy than everyone else. i'm brimming with excitement, with a certain cheerfulness, with confidence, that i hope never goes away.

iPod shuffle in my ears blasting away, i manage to get some thinking done. first weekend since i returned, and quite alot has transpired. i keep thinking, its time to get a grip on my life... which in recent times has spiraled quite out of control. things to do... a lid on the drinking, the spending. i need something or someone to help me refocus, get my mind back on track. someone to hit me hard, someone to shock me, before its too late.

slowly but surely, i've managed to find the hours for my school work, that burning enthusiasm to learn has recently made its way back. the tormentous times of last year no longer wear me down, i guess i've finally put it behind me. finally. yes!

slowly but surely, i will put all the pieces in place. there is much in store for me this year, 2005 will be the start of an entire new direction and i want to be well placed to receive it.

... that shortlived moment today walking down Brompton Road.

T, whatever it is that's tugging at you, perhaps some of the cold air will do you good too. it is difficult having to second guess, and recently, painful as well. i wish you luck sorting whatever it is that needs fixing.

SQ320

2005-02-17T11:28:00.000Z

Time flies when you're having fun, or so they say. I disagree. Time didn't seem to fly this time despite me having loads of good, clean fun. it seemed just about right actually, a day or 2 would have been better... but, i can't pontang school all the time can i?

49K has got to be the best seat in coach. No longer is it 49C, that's next to the galley and a rhino like me can't hope to stretch his legs and not have them taken out by air stewardesses with poor meal cart direction changing skills. Yep 49K. Also known as the emergency row window seat.

So i'm headed back for London, yup all of 2 degrees. But there's a new spring in my step (No, not because my left ankle's twisted), i'm reinvograted, there's a refreshing spirit infused in me, i'm coming back to start a new chapter in life. But wait there's 5 more weeks of school.

Remember how i wrote about how i would use this week to chart out what i should be doing for the next few years, blah blah. Well, true to my nature, it didn't get done. i'll think about it next trip out (which is in a week - Copenhagen).

gazing out of the window as the 747-400 takes for the skies above Changi, i feel a twang of adventure as i'm catapaulted to 35,000 feet. the feeling is telling me to be bold and brave. its telling me to aim high, not to look down and cast away everything i thought was my bedrock. and whilst preparing to land at Heathrow, i'm confronted by the lights of central London. gracefully, the plane waltzes mid-air around hammersmith and for a few seconds i glimpse the lights of london beneath me like stars in the skies. it feels like there's so much out there. so much more to learn, live and see.

i'm excited to be back.

Show me the munney!

2005-02-17T10:36:00.000Z

Red packets and grandma's chicken curry... the stuff of gods. no one makes better chicken curry than my grandma does.

i've decided that i shall attempt to go back every CNY, where possible. it makes so much good sense. people give money. people are on week long holidays. people cook great food. people want to visit. people want to go boozing. streets are frothing like bubbly champagne. red, yellow and white, everywhere. River Hongbao, Chingay. not quite the Mardi Gras, but its the best i've seen so far.

on a sidenote... to our Gahmen : can we bring back street parties on Orchard Road? Chingay is an organised dance show. we have plans for a casino, partying and al fresco dining and wining are really making it big in some parts, sea side housing for those who can afford it, yes how about a huge CNY thing? New York has the Times Square NYE countdown party. New Orleans, Rio de Janeiro and Venice have Mardi Gras (though only the RdJ I would count). London has the Notting Hill Carnival. So how about we put ourselves on the (www.partyaroundtheworld.com) map by having a mega hands-on party during CNY? How about we get into Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_festivals)?

it doesn't have to be as licentious as RdJ's MG, which wouldn't quite fit a CNY theme anyway, but something along the lines of New York's NYE countdown party would be great.

Instead of EuroPop n RnB (i'm grinding my teeth saying this), we could have more regional talents come down and do live performances. it is also a great way to showcase local talent alongside our more established HK / Taiwanese counterparts. Ok, perhaps some JayZ would be good as well.

We could have a huge countdown next to midnight... fireworks and stuff, River Hongbao already does something like this. Hold the party down Orchard Road, kinda like what Chingay already enjoys. Beer and whisky companies could make a killing sponsoring drinks during CNY. Chinese culture, language, ladies, they're all making a bigger impact worldwide today. Singapore's well-placed to host a party that would take advantage of a global soundstage.

And there's scope to also combine the (more mature) elements of River Hongbao with our new celebration. Happy New Year! I'd definitely fly back if this takes off.

SQ317

2005-02-17T10:10:00.000Z

Homeward bound. Buying a £500 ticket on an impulse surely has to be the epitome of my madcap thinking. But it was a good idea in the end... a very good waste of money, i enjoyed every bit of going back home.

The CNY festivities made it feel so good going back home. i confess i've never really been a fan of going home. frankly, i feel stifled every time i've gone back. the heat, the (slower) pace, the lack of shopping places. ok, they're silly reasons, i can't quite really pinpoint what is lacking back home. but i no longer am able to feel @ home anymore. Home to me, is London.

But this trip was special. it was unplanned, so it felt more like i was on a holiday. it was short (i've had shorter -- last summer, 2 short 4-day singapore romps), so i always had something to do everyday. it was also CNY, and celebration was everywhere. its great to see family again, and my extended family, which i used to see only once a year every CNY. mum's gone and done her hair so she looks more trendy. at least the new bag will go better with it :) it's great to see the usual friends again... enter their lives, go boozing, and leave stories with a shelf-life of more than 6 months (which is when i'll go back again). hohoho.

as my uncle J put it... "(i'm) already a corporate jetsetter".

midweek madness

2005-02-17T10:06:00.000Z

So i took a trip home, unannounced. 10893km x 2. Fantastic amount of mileage covered in a week! A pity that SIA's KF checks eligibility for upgrades at the end of March every year... Silver is still looking very far away ;-)

I will try my best not to lose my blogging again. Keep fingers off the shortcuts. Keep fingers on the mouse.

I'm always in a blogging mood sitting here by the HelpDesk, listening to people come by with all sorts of problems. "Sir, i'm missing a mouseball". "The printer's stuck". "Can I borrow a stapler". Hey, at 9 pounds an hour answering these questions, it has got to be one of the best jobs in the world. Plus it makes me blog too.

I better hit the save button.

Pain worse than getting wasabe through your nose

2005-02-02T13:05:00.000Z

i write the longest blog entry ever... and lose all of it because i was a little too overconfident with my keyboard shortcuts.

!!

Last weekend

2005-01-26T10:28:00.000Z

I've been really behind when it comes to updating this blog. I should be more disciplined dammit! But everytime I decide to blog, something else competes with me for my attention and time... and wins. Yesterday night it was CSI. The day before it was getting a haircut.

I had a really stunning weekend, or to be more precise, a stunning Saturday (and I pretty much crashed on the Sunday that came after that). It wasn't the most fun, or exciting, or alcohol-filled, or money-wasting Saturday (in fact, it was a little of all of that), but it was the first one in a long time when i felt so... strong again. Independent again.

No no, i didn't spend the weekend by myself and a few beer cans... but i spent it with someone whom i felt a good connection with. It has been quite a while since I have met someone who has made me think twice about asking out on a further date.

To you T, thanks for that saturday... and yes, we seem to enjoy the thrill of embarassment, taking turns to do ourselves in. Perhaps it is just our way of revealing a little more about ourselves, in a really funny way. Hilarious, when i think about it!

Birthday blast

2005-01-20T13:02:00.000Z

This should have gone online yesterday... but i got carried away and spent the whole day lounging at home re-living the good memories of the night before. Just good, not fantastic ;-)

So it was my birthday on a Tuesday. And with no formal requirement to be in school the day after, the stage was set for yet another massive drinking session with lots of embarrassing moments. Turns out I didn't disappoint!! To the ladies who thoroughly enjoyed themselves on Tuesday... be nice to me in school, I don't remember much of it! Thanks to everyone who made the night so, so good.

So I'm now over the hill... though it certainly didn't feel that way 2 days ago :)

Success under the scope

2005-01-17T09:03:00.000Z

I'm going home in 3 weeks' time; its a surprise visit in time for Chinese New Year (CNY). Mum and Dad don't have a clue this time, the shock and surprise had better be worth the money I'm putting down for this. It has been 2 years since I last celebrated CNY, and it will be many more before I can celebrate the next CNY. So, the eldest son decides to return for one last CNY. I can already imagine the lines I'll be hearing. Only months from working life, I am on the cusp of something very very exciting. I'm tremendously pleased with what I've accomplished, its a chance of a lifetime to be able to work in London.

But my contemplative (and sometimes argumentative) nature forces me to take a step back and muse. The job pays well, only because I'm working the equivalent of two jobs. And what next? For once, I'm entering a new phase of life where there are so many unanswered questions. I'm not prepared for it! Should I wear the blue-striped tie? Should I play tennis with my directors regularly on weekends? In the past, our life-changing dilemmas always had straightforward answers to them. Can't decide where to study? Go with the best JC. Even though you know you won't quite enjoy the extra-curricular experience there. How do we decide which is the best? Check the newspaper rankings. Can't decide which subjects to take? Take the ones that will give you the As. Even though you enjoy the challenge of writing 8 page essays. We were taught to delay today's satisfaction for tomorrow's reward.

But it is no longer so polarised when you enter this new phase. I discover that there is no longer 1 excellent answer and the unthinkable, but many good ones in between. That's because for 20 years I've been taught that more is better. More money. More promotion prospects. More networking. The end result of all these should then be more satisfaction. Thus every decision could be classified as a 'more' or 'less', which made the choice of action easy.

Now, a day shy of 24, I'm going to have to spend the next few weeks thinking. What next? A week home will be good. Yes, it will be good :)

Year of the Rooster

2005-01-13T10:47:00.000Z

Goodbye year of the monkey.

http://pages.infinit.net/garrick/chinese/monkey.html

"Monkeys are fun and loving persons who are always cheerful and energetic. They are very clever. Give a monkey a boring book to read and he'll turn it into a Musical. Better yet, he'll invite everyone to see it free! That's how talented, creative and generous monkeys usually are."

i like this page, although it isn't wonderfully accurate.

travel blog 2

2004-12-24T09:08:00.000Z

talk about a hectic end of the year... been travelling non stop in and out of London to meet with friends. barely back from Bath and I have to make plans for New York. *cheer*

busy is good. before i start on bath, some side notes to Kent.

most memorable bit : "you shoudn't stay single for too long, or you will risk becoming too used to being single and forget what it is like to be in a relationship."

add to list of places visited (and revisited)
1. ashford
2. dover castle (again)
3. pluckley

[end Kent]

travel blog 1

2004-12-20T13:04:00.000Z

had a very good weekend away out of London! =) rented a car for 3 days and drove for miles. headed over to Cambridge's Homerton College... really impressive stuff, the Goldmans of UK teaching. there's so much space out there. loads. a real campus. grassy areas to sit and have your afternoon lunches out in the sun. traditional brick and mortar dining halls with bronze bells. you felt alot more significant in one of these campuses, like we owned a part of the space there was available.

driving on the M freeways was the highlight of the trip. no doubt a ford fiesta is terribly underpowered, but its a featherweight that stays incredibly stable even at 100mph! a really amazing car, too bad its only a straight-4 1600cc (?). driving manual transmissions give you a terrific feel of the road and what's happening as every bit of torque seems to rush through the clutch. i have decided to give the RX-8 yet another second look... because i've fallen in love driving manual cars... fast!

from cambridge it was a quick drive to Oriental City, somewhere in North London. we heard that it was the colossus of all chinese supermarkets, and there wasn't anything Chinese you couldn't find there. wrong. firstly, its a *japanese* supermarket. so they didn't have half the ingredients you would put into a chinese steamboat! secondly, the chinese selection wasn't any bigger than what Loon Fung offered. so we left the place feeling a little... cheated.

got to finish this post another time. have to pack for Bath now. another 3 days homestay at a friend's house. this one is gonna be even more exciting!

KO!

2004-12-14T14:19:00.000Z

A rainy day is beautiful only if you're standing in it

More Final Fantasy X-2

2004-12-12T09:48:00.000Z

what was supposed to be an uneventful day spent at the library turned into a day spent with the PS2 and FFX-2. I've reached the 50% mark with 35 hours clocked to the game, which means another 35 hours to go. Where's all that time going to come from? One thing i can't stand about these games is that everything has to stop. Work, friends, food, you put your whole soul into finishing the game with the best possible ending, getting all the secret items and endearing a 20 second endgame boss battle. Powergaming and the ENTP... heh heh.

so here I am blogging, but with FFX-2 looping endlessly in the background as I weight my 'X' button down on the keypad, earning APs for my characters.

i'm planning what this December holidays is going to be about... trips to Kent, Bath and Cardiff, maybe a few more days in Vienna, a wild New Year Eve's party, and yes... skiing in Espace D'killy - Tignes. Amazing... ain't it?

*chuckle* bought my first Lotto tickets today as well. promised flatmate a Porsche 911 if i won the jackpot. one of those babies won't even equal the interest i'd earn on leaving the jackpot in the bank! c'mon lady luck...!

The last December break, better enjoy it

2004-12-11T03:24:00.000Z

After a 5 week hiatus, it was an uninterrupted 4-hour walk in the park with my Final Fantasy X2... we've finally reached the 40% completion mark! Inching forwards nonetheless, but reading the FAQ to make sure I get that 100% ending ain't the easiest thing to do. Kudos to the people who put in the hours to get these FAQs written. The one i'm following was even written spoiler-free!

The real gem of the day however (and it wasn't the fact that it was the last day of term), was watching Spirited Away. It has got to be one of the best pieces of animation i've seen in recent years, nothing from Hollywood comes within striking distance of this stuff. But then again, we're looking at totally distinct styles. Spirited Away is set within a surreal world of ghosts who run a bath house for the gods. Sen (or Chihiro - her real name) must find a way to save herself and her parents who have inadvertently stumbled into the world while moving house. What really sets this film apart is its amazingly detailed animation and its hauntingly expressive soundtrack. Watch it if you can!

http://www.moviemartyr.com/2001/spiritedaway.htm

Grandiose moments

2004-12-09T10:01:00.000Z

So much for wanting to keep this thing updated more frequently. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. Spent hours yesterday night trawling the net, looking at ... (and C will be proud) other people's blogs for some inspiration! Some are really impressive pieces of work, with almost 3 years of effort -- can't imagine the countless numbers of hours spent deciding what NOT to write.

PUM2 is an excellent read for anyone who thinks that the personality and cognitive style of 5 billion people on this Earth can be (roughly) divided into 16 categories which are named with 4 letters out of a possible 8. Confusing? David Keirsey himself is an INTP and his style of writing makes the subject resemble a chemistry tutorial (think: personality types = chemical formulae). And despite not having any pictures, diagrams or stylish formatting techniques, I'm still calling it an excellent read. Why?

Because it's eerily accurate. Spot on. He's like a blindfolded gorilla hitting the bullseye on a dartboard 20m out.

ENTP - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving

The inventor. The visionary.

http://www.personalitypage.com/ENTP.html
http://www.typelogic.com/entp.html
http://keirsey.com/personality/ntep.html
http://209.15.29.56/myersbriggs/entp.htm (liked this one the most!)
http://www.smc.qld.edu.au/entp.htm

So now I'm suddenly a little more enlightened. More aware of the 'silly' things I do that get on people's nerves. Not so ignorant of the fact that I am rather unemotional and as a friend puts it... boring and predictable. Heh. Guess she wasn't wrong! ;-)

Time flies even when you're not having fun (or maybe I am)

2004-12-02T11:58:00.000Z

Goodness, it's already December! I can't believe it myself... this year has gone by faster than any other year. Haha, the side effect of working hard and playing hard I reckon. Yeah, I always say that... though I really wonder what is it I've 'accomplished' over the year.

Came across Myers-Briggs TI stuff the other day. I remembered looking at it last summer but never actually getting around to finishing reading David Keirsey's PUM2 book. I've Amazoned it and it's coming today. ENTP. That's me. Positively sure I'm an NT conceptualist.

Week 8 starts

2004-11-25T11:41:00.000Z

You can't believe it's just 2 weeks till the end of the term. Gawds, where'd all the time go? It's amazing how we can always remain so starved for time even when there's less things to be done. The reverse appears to hold as well; pack your personal timetable with a zillion and two things, and somehow, you actually get all of it done.

2 more weeks, and we're out of Michelmmas term... winter holidays beckon and for once (egads!) I don't have a trip planned. Perhaps I will explore the possibilities on lastminute.com later on. I've always had an eye for eastern europe. Might be still be a possibility.

The blog's been rather devoid of input for the last few days... been busy with on the 'looking for jobs' scene and generally just having a whale of a time myself. Going home doesn't seem to be a possibility now... the only chance I had ended with 'a lack of business judgement, insufficient structure and prioritisation'. Disappointment there, but nothing too big. Eliminating the possibility of going home to work now allows me to devote more energy towards establishing a life over here. New chapter. This year is going to be an exceptionally terrific one.

Song in head : Monica featuring Jermaine Dupri & Roc
Mood : Fresh and springy, flaffing like a bed of daisies

1-1 (was 1-0 before halftime)

2004-11-17T11:49:00.000Z

Yesterday's post died prematurely. Got an exciting week ahead of me, final round interviews tomorrow. Chance to try something other than banking, going to have to spend a good number of hours preparing for it! A piece of bad news followed a piece of good news... the suspense does wreck one's mind :-)

More to come.

Seventeen

2004-11-13T17:12:00.000Z

A faded grey
gazes remembers relives
laughter merriment pain

Silent night...

2004-11-12T18:48:00.000Z

Crikey... it's a Friday and i'm kept in school reading career guides because i haven't a clue about what's going on in the world of consultancy. Cancelled a night of wild clubbing. Cancelled 2 nights of wild clubbing.

Flatmate is currently in hospital... she beat us both to it =) Nothing serious, just an IV drip and a boyfriend to keep her happy for the next few hours.

Reaching higher

2004-11-10T23:19:00.000Z

Just when you think you've done your best, and it's time to jettison the raft and focus your efforts on other activities, when someone tells you you're cut out for something better. Attending a first round interview tomorrow, and was told that I'm scheduled for another interview (with a different company) on Sunday. I'm ecstatic.

And then it makes me sit back and wonder. Maybe I'm fortunate this time that I got through by the skin of my teeth. That if I had invested more effort, I could have pushed for even more results. How does one decide if enough is enough, without being too extreme?

Maybe I should just set a (realistic) goal and try my best to reach it. Fail and I can justifably call it a day. But... yup, you guessed it, what's realistic? And it doesn't quite help when your school motto (of 12 years) that tells you that The Best Is Yet To Be...

Mood : Waiting in anticipation

Who am I?

2004-11-08T22:19:00.000Z

It's painful when you wonder just how much your friends really know of you. You would think that your closest friends could probably think the same way you did. Or guess whatever it was your were thinking. But I guess knowing what's on your mind is different from knowing what you're going to do next.

Lately, I've been surprising myself, and my friends. Doing things I once thought I would never do, or vehemently denied I would ever do. Am I being hypocritical, or am I just changing? People change, and at different speeds. I've been going through a period of big changes. Losing the predictable self. Giving my friends more time. Focusing my time and energy on sports and study. Finding time for my sister. Smiling a whole lot more. I wonder if these changes are here to stay. Maybe I am just going through a phase. Liberation. From a heavy heart. Perhaps when this feeling goes away I will return to my quieter self. Then again, I recall what I was like a year ago, before I met H. The person I am today does resemble the person I was then. So perhaps these changes are going to be around for quite awhile.

Mood : Exuberent when talked to; confused when sitting alone and pondering
Song in mind : Vonda Shepard - This Old Heart of Mine

We have to start somewhere

2004-11-07T17:29:00.000Z

The first post. Numero uno. Finally, a place to rant, rave and rattle. Privacy on the Internet? Figure i should be able to keep this anonymous for a pretty long time... :-)

Second time i'm setting up an online blog... (the first one died before it turned a month old, rather painful memories as well), and i've lost count as to how many diaries i've started. Maybe if this computer geek puts his heart into things, this could be around for a long long time!

So what will go into this binary bin? Bits and pieces of my life I suppose. It's not going to be a sensationalist blog. It's not going to be exciting at times. It's not even going to have too many pictures. Simple, uncluttered and fresh. Adjectives that don't describe my room.

And to get things off the ground...

a rather satisfying weekend! was at a friend's housewarming yesterday, haven't seen the fella in ages. perhaps a little more importantly, someone caught my eye.